Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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