he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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