I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
