cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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