I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
