I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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