i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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