Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
