come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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