That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Boobs speak an international language.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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