Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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