so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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