If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
