I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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