You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
