Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
