I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
