i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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