FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
