xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize