I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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