We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
