In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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