I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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