I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
