I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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