This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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