The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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