Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
