my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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