someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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