apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
