guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
