fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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