Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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