you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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