i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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