Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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