i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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