The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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