I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
