Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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