I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
