Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
