I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
