Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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