After last night, I could never be a politician.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
