I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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