How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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