Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this beer tastes like vomit already
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
