So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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