You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Everclear isn't food dammit
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
