Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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