Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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