So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
