1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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