so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
