i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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