I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
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I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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