He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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