That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
